Tigers...Lots of Tigers...

The Tiger, the living symbol of strength and power, generally inspires fear and respect.

I have been absolutely fascinated by the idea of "Tiger Parents." I am sure it has something to do with the fact that I now live in Asia, but I am completely blown away by the values and work ethic instilled in the majority of the children here. How can it be SO very different from back home? What are they doing that Westerners aren't? Answer: They become Tigers.

A few days ago, I finished reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. I am still processing my thoughts on it...

Are Western parents too lax? Do they need a reality check? Do we, as a Western society, praise children when it isn't even deserved? Is Chua completely off her rocker? Are we missing something?!

All these thoughts...and I just don't know what to say!

Chua has been harshly criticized for her memoir, and to be honest there were parts that made me cringe. Specifically the part about a home-made birthday card. It was her birthday, and her husband, Jed, forget to make reservations at the restaurant she wanted. Things were off to a bad start...and they were just getting worse. They finally were sitting down having dinner, and Jed asked Chua's two daughters (9 and 12) to give mommy "their special presents". They both pulled out cards from under the table and Lulu, the littlest gave her card to Chua first. Chua took one glance at the almost bare card, made with red construction paper. It had a few flowers and I love you! Happy Birthday to the Best Mommy in the World! #1 Mommy! Chua looked at it and threw it back at Lulu. She simply said, "I don't want this." In fact, while drawing on a napkin with pen Chua said:

What if I gave you this for your birthday, Lulu. No - I get you magicians and giant slides that coast me hundreds of dollars. I get you huge ice cream cakes shaped like penguins, and I spend half my salary on stupid sticker and eraser party favors that everyone just throws away. I work so hard to give you good birthdays! I deserve better than this. So I REJECT this."

So you can see why I would cringe. How horrible! However...is there some element of truth to it? Even if there is, I would NEVER do something like that, but could she have a point? Why should she accept anything less than her daughters best - even if she is talking about a birthday card?

Her daughter later on wrote a letter to the NY Post, in which she explained she, herself, didn't feel rejected.

Everybody’s talking about the birthday cards we once made for you, which you rejected because they weren’t good enough. Funny how some people are convinced that Lulu and I are scarred for life. Maybe if I had poured my heart into it, I would have been upset. But let’s face it: The card was feeble, and I was busted. It took me 30 seconds; I didn’t even sharpen the pencil. That’s why, when you rejected it, I didn’t feel you were rejecting me. If I actually tried my best at something, you’d never throw it back in my face.

I would have handled the situation a little differently. Maybe a simple, "How long did it take you to make this?" would have sufficed. But, I suppose that would be just the kind of "lax" attitude Chua refers to when it comes to Western parenting? However, I think it is more along the lines of having a heart!

Clearly, I am not a parent. Any connection I have to this book is solely through teaching. However, I believe that when the time comes to have children, my teaching is going to impact my parenting dramatically...and vice versa. As a teacher in an urban school for 7 years, I have seen some of the worst parenting, but I have also seen some of the best parenting. However, when I look at children in the US as a whole...there is something different. Obviously, there is a huge cultural difference, and it is quite apparent.

I ask my students in Taiwan what they do over the weekend, and all of their answers include: study and cram school. (Cram school is additional schooling for kids. Almost ALL of them attend.) No one goes away for the weekend. No one hangs out with friends. They essentially have no childhood.

This past week, I finished up frequency adverbs with one of my classes, and as an assessment I had them write out a description of their daily routine using them. Literally, every single kid wrote the same thing. All they seem to do is eat, sleep, go to school, and study. It was frightening.

When I told them that my students from Boston would go to school from 9:30 - 3:30, they gasped...and I mean G-A-S-P-E-D! (I probably would t oo if I were going to school from 7am until 7 pm 6 days a week!)

But...then again: when I look at the hard facts, part of me wants to say, "Who needs a childhood!?"

These kids are able to do math problems in the 7th grade that I don't think I have ever seen in my life. Their writing in English is nearly perfect, and even in the basic classes the verb tenses are SURE to be correct. (I mean, in addition to my clas s they also have 1 hour of grammar everyday, so I should expect that). My advanced classes write better English than some of the students I taught in Boston and New York. These kids eat, sleep, breathe, and drink SCHOOL, and it is not JUST at my school. It is part of the Asian mentality.

And then I find myself snapping out of it.

There is one thing that is completely missing from the kids I see here in Taiwan. To me, that one thing is the most important thing I have learned in my life. It is the thing I use everyday. It challenges me to push myself in ways I never thought I would go. My creativity is something I am grateful for, and couldn't live without.

My parents were not lax at all. But they weren't crazy either! I probably got less of the strictness because I was the second child, but my mom was one tough cookie!! My dad wasn't necessarily strict, but he wasn't a pushover either.

My brother, Tim, and I had to earn our television time with test scores, and it was limited to an hour during the week. We also had to earn our social ti me. Ok, so before you say that my parents were Tiger-esque, hear me out.

Tim was WAY smarter than I was. He is currently a Top Gun fighter pilot, so you can take a guess of what his grades were like throughout his life. He wouldn't have to study and would get A's. I never understood it. I would study for hours and would barely get a B. Two times my mom made Tim tutor me in Physics, and both times he left my room yelling, "How do you NOT get it?!" (Thank goodness he didn't end up as the teacher!)

So, my mom decided that in order to earn our TV time, we had to earn a certain grade. If we wanted to "go out" we had to earn it. Of course when she said this my face dropped, because I knew that I would never earn TV or a night out with my B's and C's. But, she made it to suit us both. Tim had to get A's to go out...and I had to get B's. She told us she valued the hard work, and those were the grades she knew we would get if we worked hard.

In my mind it was a little Tiger, and a little empathetic, which Chua would have initially described as lax.

Chua sort of changes a bit...she doesn't have this huge epiphany, but she says she was humbled by her 13 year old daughter. She also says that the book doesn't say raising your kids the Chinese way is right. She says it is about a story about how she knew best, and after years of doing what she did, she finally stepped back and listened to her daughter crying out to her. Did she back down? No...but she "opened up" and thought about things.

I am a teacher and I think I am good at my job because I am constantly REFLECTING. I talk about my craft with other teachers. I listen to constructive criticism when I receive it. I always challenge myself to do more...it is never-ending; But I love it.

I don't know what parenting is like, but I think it may be a bit like teaching. If I think I know everything...and have the my way or the highway th ought...I am toast! But if I engage in conversations with others and evaluate my whys and hows, I have no doubt I will become a good parent.

Isn't that what this book is all about? It brings a very personal and uncomfortable topic to everyone's minds. How are you parenting? Kudos to Chua for that!

And so...although I will not throw back and reject home-made birthday cards, or forbid my children to be in school plays and attend sleepovers, but I will definitely be somewhere in the middle.

If you have a chance, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom is a quick and interesting read. It will really make you think about your childhood, and how you raise your children!